And how do we finally break them?
If you’ve ever asked yourself “why does this keep happening to me?”, you might have a thing with patterns. It might feel like no matter how hard you try to improve yourself, you still keep getting hurt in the same ways. Sometimes, that hurt can just make life feel cruel or pointless. Other times, the hurt can teach us something. I’d like to use my opportunity as a writer to share my experiences in dealing with repeated traumas and conflicts. I know firsthand that it can feel like you are the only person in the world that can’t seem to move forward, and heal from difficult moments. Hopefully, sharing what I have noticed about the patterns in my life, will help others see that we all are struggling with trying to be better people.
The backstory
To know my relationship with patterns, here’s a little bit about my experience with them. My childhood, and adulthood, have been filled with people who refused to communicate with me. Despite my best efforts to show that I am open to talking things through, people have kept secrets from me, and buried their emotions towards me. At the same time, people have often described me as kind, thoughtful, and mature. They say these things, but then act like I judge them, and keep secrets from me.
This contradiction in the way people treat me, as opposed to how they talk about me, has ruined my relationships. I’ve had friendships end, as well as a breakup, because of people being unwilling to simply talk to me about their issues with me.
The pattern
I originally thought that I must be the problem in this pattern. People clearly didn’t feel safe enough in my company to be honest with me. Maybe I wasn’t as kind as I thought I was. Perhaps I was the one who needed to do better.
This way of thinking however, has not stopped the pattern from happening again. Even after trying to self reflect, and become a good person, people still hid their feelings from me. No matter if I was the one to break things off or not, there would be little to no closure for why the other person chose not to have a conversation about the problem, before it got really bad.
This is why I had to start viewing the pattern in a different way. (Which could be the first step in breaking the pattern.) My viewpoint shifted in the sense that the pattern was not a purposeful choice. Sometimes, our deepest desires can shine through in our decision making. Trusting my own wants and needs is difficult for me, but realizing the patterns are not a direct reflection of some secret, sinister desire, was a breakthrough moment. People have tried to tell me that I have changed for the worse, and didn’t even notice it. My personal view of myself and my happiness didn’t seem to concern them. I would usually take their word for it, instead of believing in myself. The pattern of somebody else not communicating was not because of a moral failing on my part. It was because the other person chose to convince me that I was being insensitive or thoughtless. There was no part of me that wanted this pattern to persist, or didn’t want a conversation.
Learning prevention
Recognizing the pattern is a way to prevent it from fully taking its course. The goal is at least to not feel as hurt or defeated by the end of the pattern.
It’s good to realize that no one can truly read your mind. The only one that can know what is going on in your head, is you. People who try to tell you that they know more about you than yourself are overstepping in a big way. Making you feel like you are not in full control of yourself, is how people make others feel helpless and confused. When this happens repeatedly, you can start to lose yourself in the way others view you. While everyone is entitled to their own thought process, putting mental distance between those who are too controlling of you and your thoughts, can prevent you from getting hurt by their words.
Closing thoughts
Patterns can feel overwhelmingly giant if life. Seeing a path forward when certain things keep occurring can feel frustrating and tiresome. Even then, living through them shows a great deal of persistence and determination. Beating yourself up for things that keep happening can only take you so far. Once you see that there is a pattern, it is your choice on whether to accept it, or try and change it.
Even if my story is something you don’t relate to, I hope this got you to think about what patterns are in your life, and whether or not they need to be broken.
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